


Carnations

by PerahuKertas



Category: TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Boys Kissing, Denial of Feelings, Love/Hate, M/M, Open to Interpretation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-26 19:03:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19011955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerahuKertas/pseuds/PerahuKertas
Summary: Choi Beomgyu is the embodiment of Carnations.Huening Kai knows every meaning behind the flowers.





	Carnations

**Author's Note:**

> Man, when i said kaigyu is my kind of that angst otp i really meant it

Choi Beomgyu is the embodiment of Carnations. He can be represented to so many meanings; adoration, innocence, beauty, deep love, regret, hate and wish of death. However, Huening Kai has seen all of them. He's that cold fresh air in the morning, the suffocating smoke in the burning pit, the sharp thorns around roses, but also the red petals scattering around him, shining in flashy dim light, but still, can't be touched nor in reach.

 

Huening Kai has all of that memorized behind the back of his mind, clinging to him like some curse he never wish he'd have. But he doesn't do anything to get rid of it either, or in the other words, he doesn't want to. Choi Beomgyu has turned himself into opium for Huening Kai, gets him addicted, makes him craves for himself more, even though he knows it's bad for him, it will destroy him slowly. Huening Kai never wants this kind of feeling.

 

Something will burning under his skin, trapped beneath it like thorns pricking, but at the same time, the warmth that will envelopes him feel too poignant to be ignored, it makes his heart fluttered, his eyes wet, his cheeks flushed, he can't resist the temptation, leaves trail of pain all over his skin every time he touched him.

 

_Touch._

 

Choi Beomgyu has never touched him in the gentle way, or at least that's what Huening Kai thought, it's always manhandling, demanding, and subduing, yet Huening Kai never attempted to push him back, he found himself fall deeper everyday, but at the same time with the flaming hatred that growing more and more inside him, the need to take him down.

 

Huening Kai knows he had get himself fall into something he can't get out of. But he doesn't regret anything, he knows they can't live like this forever, yet he still continues to do it because of his responsibility and duties. Because he never feel this way before, not when the person he hated the most has his arms wrapped around him, sit himself on his thighs, both of them sat on this couch of him in his dark apartment, he's looking down at him with his sinister yet beautiful smile, his delicate little fingers brushing his pale skin with his thumbs, the red lips just a mere inches from his own, the brown obs were looked so cold, but Huening Kai ignore the slicing painful stare, he only see stars.

 

Little stars in Beomgyu's pretty eyes, floating around it and that's when Huening Kai knows, Beomgyu is his world. Kai smiled weakly, his face shows no interest to deal with whatever Beomgyu has in mind right now, he just want a break, from their endless hatred, he placed a hand on the other's narrow waist, black irises gleaming in not so obvious sadness, because Kai never really wants to show his vurnerable side, that'll be great opportunity for Beomgyu to attack him.

 

"Why do you looks so sad?"

 

He gets pulled into the reality again with that honey like voice, their bodies were so closed to each other, Kai could smell the fragrance of the other boy filled his sense, Beomgyu always smells like field of flowers, ones that Kai could name; Carnation, roses, lilies, and the other beautiful flowers, that looks just like him. Pretty, delicate, colorful, and the opposite of his true inhuman barbaric self.

 

"I was----" Kai's brows furrowed, he looks like he's thinking of something. "I was just thinking,"

 

"Hm?" Beomgyu hummed lazily, 

 

He cups both of Kai's cheeks tenderly, brushing his thumbs against the soft pale skin again for a while it makes Kai has to hold his breath when he looks up at the ethereal beauty, Beomgyu's eyes fluttered shut, Kai felt pair of soft plushie lips brushing against his own, he almost can taste the cherry chapstick Beomgyu use, the younger's hands makes their way from his waist to his back and his nape, slowly guides Beomgyu to deepen their kiss with pressing Beomgyu's nape as he licks on the other's lower lip, asking for an entrance.

 

Beomgyu heaves a low sigh into the kiss, he's grasped on Kai's shirt, he tilted his head to get the better angle to kiss the boy, Kai responds with a hum, slowly slides in his tongue to explore the warm little mouth further, Beomgyu has always been taste sweet, that what makes him addicted, every time he tasted Beomgyu, he found himself wants more, needs more, and crave for more, even if it hurts, so much.

 

_"Hyuka..."_

 

The nickname tugs something in Kai's heart, his guts churn in pain, but Beomgyu's loving eyes staring down at him, his hand on his neck, force the other boy to look directly at him.

 

"Don't hurt yourself too much, baby..."

 

That's what he said, Kai thought bitterly, that's what he always said but all these times Kai has never asked what's that supposed to mean, because what both of them do beside making out like this are they're trying to kill and hurt each other and Beomgyu has never bluffing when he said he will do it. Then he will do it, it's just about time.

 

"You're not one to talk like that," Kai said in obvious anger when Beomgyu ducks down trying to kiss him again, his pale face tainted in red flushes when Beomgyu rise his eyebrow.

 

"You shot me... with rock salt," he stated again with cracked voice, his empty gaze shows how he traveled back in time and remember how much painful it was for him, it didn't kill him, but he is _dead_ since then. 

 

Beomgyu make an amused face before shifted on his place on Kai's lap, wraps his arms around the younger's neck, meet their foreheads as he's staring deep into his soul. His hand slowly makes its way to unbutton the younger's shirt, eyes gleaming in something Kai couldn't tell when he lands them on Kai's healed wounds on his chest.

 

Healed, but still leaving the pain.

 

Beomgyu strokes the wounds with his fingers gingerly, it makes Kai shudders.

 

"And not actual bullets,"

 

Kai snorted at that, Beomgyu let's out a breathy laugh, leans closer to captured the boy's lips on his again, kissed him open mouthed, sloppy, messy. But Kai always follow Beomgyu's game, however he wants it to be. Kissing Beomgyu always feel this thrilling, his blood stirred when the other boy grips tightly on his shoulder, pressed him hard against the couch to kiss him senseless.

 

The other pulled from the kiss, Kai had to admire Beomgyu's flushed cheeks that looks even more captivating when seen from down here, his breath is warm on his face, so does the usual cold hands that now rest on his neck, they both breath in agony, even though that was just another kiss, but there's something that knocks the air from their lungs.

 

"Will you use actual bullets if you can?"

 

_I will never_

 

"Depends,"

 

Beomgyu bury his nose on the crook of Kai's neck, inhales deeply in lust and soon Kai has to bite his lower lip again as the wet kisses are no longer like butterfly kisses and soft touches but bites, which he sure that will leave many marks later. And Beomgyu doesn't miss any space, he trails his hot lips brushing on the soft pale skin, digging and biting into them, Beomgyu always marks his skin like he actually wants to hurt him. Kai has to choke on his own whines because he doesn't want that pathetic sounds come out from his mouths it'll make him looks needy, but that was Beomgyu's intention from the beginning and seeing Kai's persistent act just will make him more eager.

 

"I don't want to kill you without honor," he mumbles against the skin, Kai lets out another sigh when Beomgyu's sneaky hands already unbuttoning his shirt completely, but Kai had to stop him there.

 

"Without honor?"

 

Beomgyu nods and shrugging nonchalantly, but he had his focus on Kai's milky pale skin now in front of him.

 

"I use gun, actual bullets just for rats, dirty rats, huge rats, that deserved to be killed in dirty way too..." he explained in firm voice, it makes Kai know it wasn't Beomgyu talking, but his other self.

 

"Guns are for losers, Hyuka, we don't even need to move ourselves to kill people with that, all we have to do is aim and pull the trigger and shot the fuck out of their lives,"

 

"......"

 

"But hey, I don't think you deserves to be killed by gun, I had my highest respect for you."

 

Beomgyu really is something, he never knew how to flirt with actual flirty words, or without involved the words 'killing', 'shot' or 'guns'

 

Kai's lips are trembling, he had to hold so much in him right now he doesn't know how to keep calm, he really wants to assure himself that this is only the way he vent himself and he actually use Beomgyu for his own advantage but he couldn't, he can't lie to himself, he really does care and admire Beomgyu, but what the other did to him and his people is just so unforgivable, the hatred is killing him, so did the love. It's like trying to touch beautiful roses but have to also grasps the thorns.

 

He was silent for a while, both staring to each other. Beomgyu only smiled, as if telling him that it's okay to not talk about all of the things now.

 

And finally he reached out and ran his fingers over Beomgyu's pink tainted cheek, making his breath puff out in surprise even though Beomgyu was sure Kai had sucked all of it from his lungs as soon as those fingers made contact with him. He made eye contact, Kai tucked his brown strands behind his ear, and the smaller boy was certain the air was gone that time. And then he leant forward.

 

This kiss was nowhere near enough, it's a kiss, a simple peck, he presses their lips so gently as if he’s afraid to hurt him like he’s the one who’s vulnerable.

 

Kai pulls him for a bit, trying to taste Beomgyu every inch again, the other responded with tugging on his lower lip, nibbling on the already swollen and reddened lips.

 

The shiver of content that it sent him would keep him yearning for anything more than this hatred indifference. Keep him hoping that one day where a touch would linger long enough to become memorable and warm, he’d prefer for a kiss could start a fire rather than cause uncomfortable cold shivers.

 

Beomgyu felt himself melt within the younger boy’s arms, he never felt so secured and safe before, when the warmth radiates and envelopes him like his kisses, he always wondering were rock salt shots hurts so much, he can’t sleep because of the guilt creeping onto him.

 

He really loves Kai, always wondering how he loved him back. But also not questioning why he also hates him to the core.

 

Is falling in love always felt this agonizing?

 

He almost begrudged these moments. These moments that only served to remind him of what he couldn't have or what he could have if only he’s a little braver. Not fully. Not how he so desperately wanted. But he would never make the first move to fix things between them and neither would Kai want him to. So forever they were forced into this zone, where they’re drowning in drunk love but also burning in their hatred for each other.

 

He loves him, and his touches made his heart jolt with something unfamiliar, felt so foreign, yet he wants it so bad. Beomgyu has never felt anything like this before, and it’s gradually wreck him to the ground.

 

And Kai brought his other hand up to Beomgyu's other cheek, and brought their lips together another time, surely Kai felt his heart pick up speed in misplaced hope, as the electricity of the kiss tried it's best to start it running. They could feel each other’s heartbeats but both of them were so stubborn and deny it all.

 

He loves him so much, his absence made his heart shiver in the presence of such an uneasy breeze.

 

Kai decided to take over the control, lifts Beomgyu for a bit while the other still clinging onto him like some kind of little bear, it's endearing and cute actually, little things like this that keep reminds Kai that Beomgyu is just a human too, like him. He's just flesh and blood too that can be broken at times and need to be take care of.

 

He plops him down on the couch carefully and hovering above the older, admire the beautiful face that keep lighten despite the lack of light in this dim room, a representation of the most beautiful flowers mixed into one.

 

Kai strokes his brown locks softly, then trails his finger down to Beomgyu's glistened red lips, it looks so inviting, Kai gulps down the thickness on his throat, leans down to pressed their lips together again, the sweetness seeping back on his own lips, the softness of the other's lips brushing like feather touches.

 

Beomgyu, as Kai recognized this some time ago, is weak with a kiss like this. He would whining a lot into the kiss, and rest his palms flat against the younger boy's bare chest.

 

Kai smiled into the kiss, he was too carried away with his feelings he doesn't care about who he is or who Beomgyu is anymore, what he knows that he's just a regular boy who has fall in love with another boy.

 

Beomgyu is carnation.

 

The younger glued his eyes on Beomgyu's white skin, white carnation is for pure love and good lucks, Kai believe that is a pure love he has for Beomgyu, though his life doesn't have that much of a luck with all those problems and coercing shoved onto him, he can safe to say he's lucky to know Beomgyu, and even being this close with him.

 

Kai gives a few pecks on Beomgyu's pink tainted cheeks, in which the other responded with giggly laugh, that makes Kai's heart fluttering too, pink carnations, the symbol of undying love, he wants to convinced that the love he got for Kai will never die, or get drown because of his hate, he wants it to be evergreen, and he wishes Beomgyu to do the same.

 

His thumb brushing the red lips once again before captured it with his in a deep, slow and wet kiss. He doesn't rush it, he tries his best to memorize how Beomgyu taste, how the way he will whines and squirming underneath him, silently asks for more, he could feel Beomgyu's love within the kiss, when their heated kiss exchanged their saliva, when a small tugs of Beomgyu on his hair encourages him for further thing, but eventually they had to part because the needs of air.

 

Beomgyu's red lips, reminds Kai of red carnation, admiration. How much he admires his ethereal beauty.

 

Kai moves his hands to unbutton Beomgyu's shirt, exposing his pale neck and chest, before pressing down his hot lips, trailing the skin with kisses, Beomgyu beneath him is already a mess, mumbling incoherent words that Kai doesn't bother to understand, but he's digging into the skin, he wants to mark the other boy as his, or simply just bites and nibbling down on the skin hard enough for Beomgyu to remember that he still owe Kai for that excruciating shot of rock salt.

 

The kiss leaves dark reddish marks along the skin, it makes Kai satisfied. It was dark red carnation, denote deep love and affection, to show Beomgyu how deep Kai feelings are actually towards him, that he doesn't want a short thing, but he wants a real thing, a real relationship between them two.

 

But everything doesn't really go like how he wants it to be right?

 

The striped wounds on his chest says it all, that they will never be together no matter how big their loves are for each other, Beomgyu has to kill Kai, and Kai has to kill Beomgyu, they're not supposed to show mercy to each other, they're not supposed to call each other's name with love within their voice, they should make each other perish.

 

Striped carnations symbolizes regret for a love that can't be shared.

 

They can't share their love to each other.

 

"I'm sorry... Hyuka,"

 

A drop of tear stained Beomgyu's cheeks, Kai stops himself and looks down at the other boy with obvious worries on his eyes, stroking his cheeks softly and whispered what's the matter that Beomgyu break down in tears like that.

 

"I'm a bad person, I'm sorry but I can't change that."

 

Seeing Beomgyu has tears running down his pretty eyes is what would Kai call a grievous pain. He silently wipes away the tears with his thumb. Beomgyu's heart wrenching cry is too much for him, so he holds the older's hand in his tightly.

 

"You're not a bad person... You're my favorite person,"

 

When will his walls finally broken?

 

 

Kai kissed him for the last time that night. It was full of love.

 

"I'm a bad person,"

 

"So am I, right?"

 

"That's why I hate you, Hyuka."

 

"I hate you more,"

 

Nothing there but lies.

 

At least that's what they told themselves. Since sincerity is not their thing and will never be.

 

Because they couldn't love each other, not now, not in the past, not in the future, never could they allow themselves that simple act of love to their cold and warm touches.

 

Neither Kai or Beomgyu will never acknowledge their loves for each other.

 

Because admitting that would only hurt more.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> leave feedbacks if you want!


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